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My journey started on March 31, 2018, as I settled in for a special blue moon sound bath. The guide asked us to contemplate our intention for the session which, on this occasion, set off bells in my head. As I began to envision my physiological purpose I couldn’t get my mind off of it. Visions came to mind as I joined my mother, grandmothers, sisters, and friends on a spectacular journey of motherhood. As I received the sound of the gong in my body the vibrations generated excitement for what could be and gently began to crack open my receptivity.
Being in a loving relationship with Henry for almost 10 years now our battle was to find time during my ovulation window to be together. It’s not an unusual problem for modern-day career couples to struggle with demanding travel schedules, so I took it upon myself to buy global maternity insurance and research IVF options. As a wife in my position, should Henry be amidst production during the delivery, I contemplated the real possibility of being the primary caregiver and delivering the baby on my own, but did I want to do it alone?
Our trip to Peru was magical. On 1/1/2020, 9 years after we met, we found out we were pregnant! It felt like divine timing; however, coming off of holiday we went back full swing into work and travel. With me already scheduled to travel every week I opted to see an OBGYN on the 10th week of pregnancy. Besides a few tummy aches, I was feeling good otherwise.
It was painful that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat on the first scan. Our fertility doctor, Dr. Andy Huang, explained that a miscarriage means that I am not infertile, but a bad egg got fertilized. With Henry still in production, I set up an appointment to have the missed abortion procedure in the coming days. Even with friends in LA to support me, going through the process on my own, and then catching up with him in Tokyo meant that he was left out of the emotional journey. All I needed was a big hug after the procedure, but having to wait a week to travel across the world to catch up to each other was pretty traumatic for me.
I love everything about my career; however, something the miscarriage did bring up for me was the possibility that I did not have space in my life for a baby. Running a company full-time during a pandemic meant that I was still working from home on my global team hours. It was on one particular evening, as I was in bed on my computer past midnight, that the contradiction revealed itself. How was I to start my career in LA, satisfy the growth of the company, and shift into motherhood when my cup was already so full?
This question shifted my perspective and made it clear that I needed to take the path of less resistance. From the next day onwards I started getting our resources together to sell the company, minimize our teams, and stop fulfillment on products to slow down, stress less, and work less. My inner wisdom had shown me this insight, so, even though I didn’t know the outcome, I had to believe in life’s mysteries and that everything would fall into place.
It did! In what seemed like a miracle I got pregnant. I had a period every other week in the month leading up which I took as an indication that my body was clearing out and resetting. Even while feeling low and unsure in this process I made sure to comfort and heal my body through daily mediation, breath work, sound healing, home-cooked food, and regular exercise. Then in June 2020, on a regular ultrasound, Dr. Huang mentioned that I had recently dropped an egg. As we had been trying again, it’s more than likely that I would be pregnant. YAY!
I went home to bubble over with joy with Henry. We felt such comfort in knowing but ultimately gratitude and respect to the process and the journey. Because of our past miscarriage, we kept the news private until we hit 20 weeks and we were fully in the clear. 5 months felt like a lifetime but happiness still fills me to overflowing every day as I continue to make the shifts necessary to make space to welcome this miracle into our lives.
I consider myself extremely lucky to have not had many physical difficulties with this pregnancy so far. My regular visits for the first 10 weeks with Dr. Huang helped me to unpack my fears. Every week he would tell me “Congratulations” at least 10 times in a visit while patiently responding to any concerns. His bedside manners put me at ease and made me rebuild confidence in my body and carrying to term.
With everything shifted, my job now is to continue to be a wife and teacher. Revamping FitSphere into a place where I can share, in more intimate detail, about my life, health, and well-being with my whole heart helps me continue to self-develop, evolve, and create. I have the utmost respect for my friends and the many women who are working full-time throughout pregnancy. For me, I know that the choices I made are right for me and that what I shed made way for baby Golding. I am looking forward to going on this continued journey with you!
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